ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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