matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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