I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
