I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We have started to decorate penises.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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