I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
