Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
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How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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