I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
