My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The uberlube is also flammable
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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