Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
