proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
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