She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
