I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
