I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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