When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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