Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
pray to the hookup gods
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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