I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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