you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
