sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
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thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize