I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
