you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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