My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Randomize
