There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
