____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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