That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
