so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
