Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
