she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
