don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
