did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you still have your period?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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