can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
