Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
