I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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