I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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