Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
