i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
