Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
