He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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