I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
