I need help removing her.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize