So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
