I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
