I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
