Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
