Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
