We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
