This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
