worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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