I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We got so high we made milksteak
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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