girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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