Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
