dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
3 2 1 whiskey
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
