I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
