they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
