So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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