I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
