I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
