shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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