After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
