a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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