she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
that is very illegal...i love you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
