I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
