There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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