I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dating After Heartbreak
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?